And now a light post so I won't continue to alienate the readers w/ my disgruntled ramblings

Get Jamie Foxx's Unpredictable.
Rape and pillage local villages to get the funds if you need to.
Just get your hands on it.
It is butt-fuckingly great R&B.
One of my particular favorites off the album.

Jamie Foxx - Heaven

Tell me have you heard the story
That took place not long ago
Bout an angel up in heaven
They say she up and ran away from home

Word is she had unfinished business
So back on earth she had to flee
Well you know I'm so elated
Because she's laying right next to me

And when God woke up that morning
And he called out her name
And when she did not answer
Heaven will never ever ever be
Heaven will never be the same
Never be the same

Always dreamed that it would happen
I just didn't know exactly where
All my life I'd been waiting for something amazing
Said it took a while but now I know
So tell me can I get a witness
If you believe in miracles
And the proof I have is living
And my life will never ever be
And your life don't have to be the...

At times it seems we take for granted
How precious life can be
Just hold on and I'm sure you'll understand it
Bringing into this world
A precious boy or girl...And when I woke up that morning
Said where has my little angel gone
And when she didn't answer
Heaven will never ever ever be
Heaven will never be the same
Yeah,Yeah
-------------------------------

So yea, I guess Jamie Foxx qualifies as one of the guy's I have a "man crush" on.
Just jealous of how extremely talented he is.
A modern day renaissance man.
Didn't need luck to get where he is today.

Again, little humor, lots of self-analysis and more shit from above... Literally.

Pretty sure I've hit a new low.
Good part of the day, getting to chill with Ada.
Now let's look at the bad parts shall we.

Funnel Cake Factory opens at 11am, that's when we walk thru the door and they tell us they're not ready yet.
So we walk around the Irvine Spectrum for a half hour and come back.
Lots of things still aren't ready, we're getting bad customer service from grumpy employees, and I think I feel I got overcharged for my fundae.

Fundae: Funnel Cake plus Sundae.
Looked a helluva lot better in the picture.
No nuts, barely any ice cream or whip cream, and no hot fudge available at the time.

Doesn't seem like it's worth the $6 I paid for it.
Add a dollar and some change for some chocolate milk.
Chocolate milk I realized was expired halfway thru the bottle.
Best served by Dec.24th.
Checked my phone, today's the 29th.

Life is wonderful.
Should've gone back to bitch at them, at least get a refund, but I'm a defeated man right now.
It's not easy dropping all of my dreams and aspirations one after another in such a short span of time.
Not to mention the strange feelings in my tummy.
Sure, I've got a strong stomach that can handle the combination of carne asada and boba.
But, I'm a veteran of a few cases of food poisoning, I'm worried 'bout being able to make it home in case it turns out bad.

I drive home as fast as reasonably possible.
Avg. speed at times 75.
When will people learn that the far left lane is the fastlane and probably not the best one to be in to go 55?
Also almost had my car get clipped twice by people cutting through traffic on their cellphones and not using their turn signals.
They built them for a reason people.

Would be nice to get involved in a major accident though.
It would just make sense.
Let's just hope it never gets to that.

I get home, learn that expired milk smells funny when it leaves your system, and get shitted on by the resident hawk while checking the mail.

How was your day?

And GenerationX from the 701 area code just called....
Right.

The Random Quote:
"Okay!" - Toad

Not much humor in this post, feel free to skip if you'd like.

So yea, last year was the only year in our relationship that Sandee and I actually got to do the midnight kiss to ring in the New Years with.
Folklore says something along the lines that doing so will ensure an everlasting, and loving relationship.

Glad to see it's worked out fine so far.

Would we have been better off not being able to do that like years past?
To be bound at different family obligations.
Was it really a blessing that her parents finally let her go out with my family after having to default to hers for so long?

Who knows?

All I know is that alot of guys won't admit that they're in the wrong.
Either because of stubborn pride or extreme denial.
Most guys won't even come around to want to talk 'bout the problems in the relationship.

People tend to do stupid things when they're full-on head over heels in love with someone.
Like default to one person over an entire fraternity.
Or be in denial that there is something wrong with the perfect relationship.
I'm no longer in denial.
I'm no longer in "honeymoon mode."
I want to talk to resolve issues and repair the great relationship we had.

When will I get that chance?
Possibly sooner than later.
I've realized that I've exhausted all of my options as far as co-borrowers go.
My parents were my last resort.
Only person left I can think of that has a good credit standing is the same person I said I'd give space to.

Yup.
Sandee

Quite a dilemma huh?

When did this epiphany hit?
Either while I was smoking cigars and drinking cheap wine in the backyard alone on Christmas Eve, or when I was getting rid of some of the shit from my life into the toilet the other day.

Still searching for good things to balance out all the bad ones...

The Random Quote:
"Awwwwww....SHIT!" - The Replacements

Why there's a general belief that Santa Claus is a guy:
He shows up once a year, comes into your house, empties his sack, eats all of your food, and disappears before you wake up.

That being said, happy holidays everyone.

Still need a co-borrower for the loan.
Parents said "no" with many diffrent words.

The Random Quote:
"All I want for Christmas is you." - Various

Hell yea!
I just spent the last 6hrs. locked out of the house with only a wife beater, grey shorts, and standard boxer briefs because it was a laundry day for me.

So about 11:30am I decided to grab a water bottle to put it in the fridge so it can keep me company while I jog around the neighborhod later.
Turns out someone had set the lock on the garage door w/o my knowledge.
I didn't know it was set 'til the door closed behind me and I was unable to open it.
30mins. later, I realize locksmith isn't a great profession for me to jump into.
Damn new locks.
So much for Plan A.

So I spend the next few minutes drinking one of the beers we leave in the garage.
Mmmm.... it's warm.
I also assess my current situation.
All the doors are locked, and we don't hide spares outside the house
I've got access to the garage and the backyard.
Gotta remember to use the kickstops on our doors.
Probably gonna miss my job interview today.
Don't know anybody's work number off the top of my head.
But I do know my brother's cellphone number.

New plan.
Go to elderly woman next door and ask to use phone.
She takes one look at me.
Wife beater, grey shorts that go to the top of my knees, shaved head, glasses, and love handles.
She assumes I'm threatening and doesn't allow me to go inside the house to use her phone.
She does however promise to call up my brother's cellphone and leave him a message.

Life's great.
Got locked out of the house, got to deal w/ a bit of racial profiling, and I'm freezing my ass off cuz there was a really strong, cool breeze in San Marcos today.

So I have lots of freetime available to me while I wait around for my savior in the form of my brother and a house key.
But freetime leads to thinking when things haven't been going your way.
Deep thinking.
With many questions.
Like when is all of this minor shit coming down on me gonna let up?
I understand that I can be worse off. That I live in a mostly good country. That I have my health.
But all the things that have been happening to me the past few months add up and wears out my soul.
Who the hell did I piss off to receive such a karmic bitch slap from?
Is some divine power just messing with me for fun?
Seriously, when will good luck enter the picture for me?
Will it enter the picture?
Cuz' I'm tired of being positive. I'm tired of being patient. I'm just tired.
Something good happen to me within the next week please.
Haven't I gone through enough yet?
I just want to move on to the next phase of my life.

I figure that my brother can head out during his lunch break to let me in.
If that wasn't possible, he'd be back by 3:30pm after he gets out of work.
New plan.
Drink enough beer for me to pass out in the backseat of the Benz that was mercifully left unlocked.
As a bonus, there's a blanket in the backseat.
Why the beers?
To make me forgot how uncomfortable the Benz is when you're big.
And to stop me from thinking.

When I went to sleep it was daytime. Around 1:30pm if I guessed right using the positioning of the sun.
When I woke up the streetlights were on and it was pitch black.
And I had to urinate.
Quick run to the backyard.
Probably used the same area the cats liked to have used since it smelled marvelous.
Then again, that's also where we bury all the dead animals.
Got a nice view inside my house from there.
The clock read 5:30pm.

I don't think the lady called.
Luckily my dad showed up a few minutes later to let me into the house.
So glad they were having a holiday party today and he got to leave early.
At least he got a good chuckle knowing I can survive inside the garage if needed.
Brother and mother come home from overtime work a few minutes later.
He didn't get any messages.
I don't think she called.
Checked his call log, no missed calls.
She definitely didn't call.

I have fucking LOVE HANDLES!!!
How do I look so fearsome?
I've even got a bunch of visible white hairs now.
Am I that menacing looking?
Does that justify mother's bringing there children in closer to them at the sight of me walking towards them in the mall?
*sigh*
There used to be a time where we didn't have to worry 'bout locking our doors.

So yea, here I am posting this story.
Wasted half the day.
Still broke.
Am I doing anything tonight?
Probably not.

How's life on your end?

Congrats to Gwen Stefani on the bun in the oven.
Probably look better pregnant than I do.

And cause people are still bugging me 'bout what I want for Christmas, an updated list:
(in no particular order of preference)
-Someone to be a co-borrower for me
-A good hug
-Signifigant other to take care of me when I'm feverish
-Punching bag to vent frustrations on
-Luck
-Confidence
-Trust
-Marbles
-Steady source of income

Again, I don't need gifts this year.
Cuz in my twisted sense of honor, I'm going to feel obligated to do you one even better when I'm able to.
A simple acknowledgement of my existence in the form of a phone call on Christmas weekend to keep me company while I housesit and continue the pursuit of employment will be just fine with me.

Hurrah for run-on sentences!

The Random Quote:
"Have yourself a merry little Christmas." - Various

Man, I need to stop publicly liking certain things.
Television shows and athletes in particular.
Can't help but think I'm partly to blame.
Recent changes due to my "likes."

Mistakenly admitted to a friend that I liked Kitchen Confidential.
A week later, it gets pulled off the air.
Great comedy about a chef and his crew of misfits.
At least it was.

Kareem Rush.
Was my favorite Laker until he was traded tot he Charlotte Bobcats.
Xavier Nady of the Padres.
Traded away as well as...
Akinori Otsuka.
Great relief pitcher, going away pending physical as of today.

Change, natural part of life.
Sucks sometimes though.
Maybe I just need better taste.
At the least, not be content w/ what I have.

The Random Quote:
"Sing me something soft, sad and delicate, or loud and out of key.
Sing me anything." - Straylight Run

And now a speech to fire up people still taking finals.
Because I've completely neglected to do so the past few weeks.

Hey YOU.
YOU are gonna kill your final(s) today/this week
YOU are gonna kick ass, chew bubblegum and take names.
You are gonna rape it.
Let it know who the boss is.
Tell it who it's daddy is.
Make it service you during halftime.
YOU are not gonna suck, spit, swallow, chew, or regurgitate.
YOU are gonna be just fine.
YOU did study right?

The Random Quote:
"You're the man now dawg!" - Sean Connery

Another day, another life lesson.
Today I learned that Jamba Juice stains carpets very well.
My room smells like Razmatazz now.
Good times.

Carpet in my room's supposed to be blue.
Sixteen some-odd years has made it increasingly hard to tell.
A bit of green from spilt model paint.
Lots of hot chocolate and soda spills from family parties and what-not.
Even a lil bit of blood.
No idea where that came from.

Shaving my head to retrain my hair in the wintertime probably not the smartest idea huh?
Not like I've been doin' that many smart things for the past few months anyways.
Had a 101 fever on Wednesday.
Good times.
Now I know that extreme weakness, dizziness, and sweating are a good sign to grab a thermometer.
Probably just the end result of a grand combination of lack of hair, binge drinkin' at the park w/o warm clothes at night, and insomnia over the past few months.

Missed one out of two interviews on Wednesday.
At least the management at Toys R Us were kind enough to interview me over the phone.
Have no idea what we talked 'bout though.
That whole day was a blur.
Thursday was spent mostly passed out and heavily medicated.

Sorry, not much humor here.
Still in recovery mode.

The Random Quote:
"Stop shaking your tits everytime you say no." - Anonymous

Beer and M&Ms don't really mix well together.
Isn't it great to learn something new everyday?

So yea, had a black cat run in front of my car while I was returning home from a carne asada run the other night.
Should've ran it over.
Cuz I'm the superstitious actor type.
Always have been a strong believer of luck.
Just not so much that it effects my life and causes me misfortune from worryin' 'bout it too much.
As an actor, luck's an important thing.
100+ auditions the last couple years and nothing because of my "look."

Guess I don't have to worry 'bout that anymore.
Decided to put a hold on acting for awhile.
For good? Who knows?
Status pending I guess.

Have nothing to show from all the years I've dedicated to it.
Just a bunch of strained relationships w/ my close ones, alienated friends, and no income.
Had fun when I worked, but not having any work isn't fun.
When it stops bein' fun that's when you should move on right?
Cuz you can only focus on your passion for so long until you have to be realistic.

I keep gettin' this nagging feeling that finances also played a part in the breakup.
A monthly budget of $80 would probably be a strain on any relationship.
And some people think the best things in life are free...

Speaking of finances, I need someone w/ good credit to be a co-borrower for me so I can apply for a loan to cover tuition for culinary school.
Somebody out there still has enough trust in me to be able to keep payments on time and not mess up their credit score too right?

First loan application fell thru because my credit score got shot to shit w/o my knowledge.
Started the month of December w/ a letter from a debt collection agency.
I owe $3,845.25 by the end of the month.
Thought I moved the balance of my credit cards into one card 'fore I left dorm life, since I didn't hear from my other card I thought everything was fine.
Should've paid more attention.
It didn't happen, and all the letters asking for payment were never forwarded back to my home.
Fucking lazy ass people at Chapultepec.

Should be fine though, gettin' more credit cards to cover the debt.
Man...

The Random Quote:
"It stinks." - The Critic

It's amazing the things you find in your room after cleaning it out 5 times in the past two months.
'Specially since it was 'bout 8 months since the last good cleaning.
I'm a guy, go figure.

Among the things found were old slowjam mixtapes I put together growing up in the 90's.
Full of songs that remind me of what I had and have now.
Songs I identify with.
Used to bug me, not anymore.
That's a good thing right?

But there is one song in particular that gets me teary-eyed.
An "I miss you" song.
Not one for Sandee, but for my mother.
From the context of the song, a mother that passed away.
Still haven't figured out why it bugs me so much.
My grandmother's gotten through the breast cancer ordeal fine and my mother's alive and kicking.
Albeit w/ diabetes and high blood pressure.
Don't know why that song fills me up w/ sorrow to the point of the Denzel Washington one-tear status in Glory for a good half second until the other tear duct feels jealous and decides to join in.

How does he do that?
And why is that the only song that makes me sad right now?
Why'd YOU vote for Schwarzeneger?
How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?

Good questions.
Any answers?

-He's too too crazy.
-'Cuz the death of either one of them would constitute rock bottom for me.
I don't want to hit rock bottom right now.
-I didn't vote for him.
-Depends on the surface area of the person licking and their technique.
I imagine that Gene Simmons or a pornstar that specializes in oral scenes would be able to reach it faster than me.

There are probably better answers out there.

The Random Quote:
"If you can dodge an STD, you can dodge a dodgeball." - Anonymous

My room is the only one in the entire house w/o a lock on the door.
Even the bathrooms get one.
What does that meam?

If a group of land pirates pillages through San Marcos and picks our house as one of their stops, I'm literally assed-out cuz it doesn't take much work to break into my room and butt-rape me.

Just thought you'd like to know.

The Random Quote:
"Arrrr!" - A pirate

So yea, drinking a 6-pack of MGDs and killing two cigars in a span of an hour and a half at a public park probably wasn't the smartest thing I've done this year.
Wasn't great for my stomach either.
It let me know by emptying out most of its contents into one of our friendly toilet bowls when I got home.
Probably lost a lb. or two so that's a positive right?

Ugh.
Glad I got that out of my system.
Sobering up real fast now.
Things didn't work out as well as everyone hoped today.
I figured as much, odds were stacked against me anyways.

No matter how much you rehearse it, it won't prepare you for the live run.
Got too emotional being so close to her again after missin' her for so long.
Lost most, if not all, of my rational thought and didn't get all the things I wanted to out there.

Again, I feel bitter.
Because there's still stuff to leave on the table.
And I never figured out how to gain her trust in me back.
That's the kicker.

Why is it that women tend to remember all the bad things and guys tend to remember all the good things?

I figure one Random Quote a day is good enough for you guys.

Sorry for the constant soul searchin' the past few weeks. I know it's been buggin' most of ya.

Why'd the monkey fall off the tree?
Because it was dead.
*Ba-Dam PSSH*

Lost in transition.

The Random Quote:
"Everything's gonna be all right." - Bob Marley

thumbs down

hope things work out better for everyone else.

Kinda sad.
Out of the 10gbs of hard drive space we have devoted to music, I could only find 16songs related to the holidays.

Hurrah for liquor stores that stay open late!
Here's to good luck in everyone's dilemmas.
*cling of the wine bottle*
*swig*

Still searchin' for a replacement for Andre Mimosa.
Suggestions are always welcome and appreciated.

The Random Quote:
"Looky looky, I got a hooky." - Rufio

And here I was thinkin' that no one used the comment button...

My bad.
Think I fixed it so that they show up immediately.

Dear Anonymous,
Yes.
Yes. I'm sad.
But you're also takin' the time to make an obvious comment on my life at almost 1am pacific time.
What does that say about you?
Whoa.

Daniel Bedingford - If You're Not The One

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine than why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you than why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you than why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you than why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me than why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me than why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you than why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, wether it's wrong or right
And 'though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you than why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there anyway that I can stay in your arms?
-------------------------------------

Heard this song today, and I find myself identifying with it.
At least a part of me does, gettin' real hard to organize my thoughts because of the 4hrs. of sleep I've been averagin the past few weeks due to insomnia.
Way too much shit in my head.
Alcohol helps clear some of it up.

I'm not happy.
Neither is 80% of the people on my buddy list.
Damn you Bush.

To the seven people that have been there that have given me their support:
Thank you.

The Random Quote:
"I'm ghetto, I don't scrap over the phone." - Anonymous

Other things I've realized:
-Female cleavage is a powerful tool.
-Male cleavage isn't.
-Insomnia sucks!
-I want to get my hand on the DVD and novel of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
-Also Cool Runnings.
-And The Replacements.
-Tae Bo's seriously kickin' my ass.
-The knees are good enough to run on again.
-I miss havin' cable in my room.
-42
-Bubbletea's takin' over San Diego
-Slowly growing a dislike to Penguins for the memories associated w/ them.
-Padres got Giles back.
-I should probably end this list now.
-Running out of quotes to use.
-I REALLY miss havin' cable in my room.
-My immediate support group is at least a 30+ min. journey away.
-Lite Hawaiian Punch sucks.

The Random Quote:
"In this game of life I'm not tryin' to be the M.V.P.
Cuz the enemy's the clock and referee." - J-Live

Ladies (and some guys)
If a man is willing to trim or shave his pubic hair for you, please, PLEASE take that as a definite sign of appreciation.
It takes alot of hours, water, and shaving cream to make sure there's a clean cut down there.
It's comforting to not see you coughing up pubic hairs like a cat heaves furballs.
But make sure to reward your guy that's willing to go the extra mile w/ his grooming.
And if he's willing to get waxed for you and he's not a pornstar, marry him.

Yea.
I had another massive brain fart today.
Had a great post all planned out in my head while I was out walking around the neighborhood but completely lost it when I sat in front of the keyboard.
The above topic was a moment of wit I ripped from an AIM conversation I was holding.
Hurrah for fillers!

The Random Quote:
"I ain't mad at cha." - Tupac Shakur

Things I've realized today:
-2005 sucked.
-Bush is still president.
-I should be graduated, employed, and in a happy relationship right now.
-There's some damn good hot chocolate at the Barnes & Nobles in Escondido.
-There's some bad hot chocolate tonight from the Starbuck's near CSUSM.
-I spent an hour walking around the mall w/ my fly down.
-Having a belt I bought last year bein' unable to wrap around my waist depresses me.
So do radio commercials.
And a good 8gb of music we have on our computer.
-I want a happy ending.

So the ladies can claim rape and have the guy's face and name made public record even if it turns out he's innocent while she gets to sit in total anonymity.
At least guys have old videos/pictures and access to the internet to distribute as a form of revenge.
Would I?
No.
Because...
ONE: I don't have any. Wish I did. But I don't
TWO: Because I'd have to be EXTREMELY bitter to post them on the net w/ a warning of "Avoid this psycho bitch."

Come to think of it, my first ex did make me THAT bitter.
Except there aren't any videos/pictures of the she-bitch and myself in existence.
I was still tryin' to be celibate 'til marriage back than and it would be considered illegal in the states.
Something that gets R.Kelly into trouble w/ the authorities.

The Random Quote:
"...so than my heart became cold like the Austrian Alps." - Last Emperor

still w/ that "study group" huh?

Just realized that I've been posting on a daily basis.
Wow.

House is running on wireless internet now, lot quicker than the services provided by our old provider.
COX.
I hate COX.
I don't want COX as a part of my personal life.
I don't need COX to provide anything to me.
Fun w/ words.

I think I've officially ran out of things to do on the internet that don't require the use of money.

Wish I had English major friends to help me edit stuff.
Can't remember if I covered everything.
Can't even remember why I started this post.

Man.
I probably am gonna be a senile old man.
Hopefully the one that refers to everyone as Tim.

Currently enjoying the sound made by a quarter when you flick it w/ your thumb.

The Random Quote:
"Tis only a flesh wound." - Month Python

Thought I was fine
Thought I got everything out of my system the first few days.
Fucking triggers.

I heard a commercial for a place I visited earlier this year during Thanksgiving Week and it just sent me into a major state of depression.
Still dealin' with it.

But hey!
At least when I got home yesterday I found my brother's brand new car had taken my parking place.
2006 Honda Civic
Only one left in San Diego County.
Apparently one of the easiest cars to break into also.
Yea, insurance is gonna be a bitch.
Putting massive mileage on the new car while my brother's away at UCSB and having it completely paid off by the time he comes back is a good thing right?

Like two good job interviews.
Glad to know that my faith in myself to impress people when I need to is still intact.

I need a drink.
Alcholic or non-alcoholic?
Who knows?
Such a fun question.

The Random Quote:
"I've seen better shows in my pants." - Anonymous